This hurts...my pride.
Part of homeschooling (living and learning at home) involves chores at our house. Every other Monday was to be "bathroom day". I have been "diligently" taught the kids how to do the toilets.
As the Lord is parenting me (and then me parenting my children as He parents me) He is teaching me how completely off the mark I've been in my methods and attitudes.
Here is the email I wrote to my friend explaining what happened...
Hi B,
I don't believe I've kept you up to date on what's been going on in my heart as a result of meeting you and Marilyn (there's a lot!) so I want to take a moment to share one incident with the purpose of encouraging you, being transparent and testifying to God's goodness and power.
The Monday after the seminar I attended was our "toilet day". We've had a housekeeper for a very long time but needed to free up funds since we started homeschooling. So now I have to get it together to do my own toilets and housework. She left me in July.
So I thought it would be good "character training" to teach the kids to do the toilets with me. Homeschoolers do plenty of chores, I've read, and I want to be a "good homeschooler". Plus, I had read somewhere that a mother who does this has the added benefit of when she gets sick, they children know how to do these tasks and the house continues to run smoothly. How prudent.
So I purchased the needed supplies (I didn't own a toilet brush) and told them every other Monday at 3pm we'd be cleaning the toilets together.
So we all gathered with empty trash bag in hand, toilet brush, toilet cleaner and adorned ourselves in bright yellow rubber gloves.
So first off, I'm NOT especially good at, uh, being concise. We actually watched a YouTube video on someone cleaning a toilet before we started! (you might call this a UNIT STUDY!!!!)
SINCE I WAS DOING THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME TOO, I WAS A HORRIBLE TEACHER.
"No, do it here. NO, do it THERE. Spray this first, NO, DON'T TOUCH THAT! Here, let me do it. No, you do it."
I became more and more irritated as I could not control them and they bumped their clothes on the dirty parts, I got mad because they didn't spray enough cleaner, I yelled because they didn't "get it all" or hold the paper toilets correctly and were lazy getting all the surfaces wiped.
OH MY GOODNESS, it was AWFUL!!! (I think you can see the sad situation!)
I barked at them, shamed them, yelled at them and threatened them. WHAT A GOOD homeschooler I am, teaching my kids how to clean the toilets. (!)
Oh, the utter despair we all felt! And the hurt I had caused, which I thought was GOOD. (sick!)
So, here's the story...
That Monday after my first seminar, I heard my conscience telling me "to do the toilets by myself". I let the kids cozy up to a movie while I did the chore.
It did not take long before I heard the Father guiding me to do certain things. I was so pleased to be hearing and obeying! He started by telling me to do "extra" cleaning that I didn't want to do...like cleaning out the trash can...you know, the kitchen garbage can gets stuff in it and on it and occasionally IT needs to be cleaned. I had to get hot water and really scrub to get it clean and I was a little miffed that I actually had to obey and clean and go to the extra effort and time because I HATE cleaning at all. As I wanted to shortcut here and there, He was very specific that he wanted it PERFECT. Though I obeyed in action, my thoughts were angry and rebellious. I finally got the kitchen garbage can sparkling! I had done a good job. I had listened and obeyed. Now I could rest. (my husband was thrilled with a clean can!!!!)
But there was more to do. Upstairs, he told me to CLEAN THAT ONE TOO...well, it was a big job to get the kitchen can spotless and I was angry that He was demanding I do it again for the bathroom can!! And along with the 3 toilets that needed to be done!
(this is SO humiliating telling you this!!!!!!)
but I was determined to die to my flesh (in deed if not in thought) and I became MAD and saying really awful things in my mind which made me even MORE irritated. I found myself getting sloppy and trying to get away with not doing it as He told me to. I was somewhat indignant that He was being SO petty about cleaning the garbage cans so thoroughly, telling me to "No, do it here. NO, do it THERE. Spray this first, make sure to get every little tiny corner..."
And then He spoke.
"Is this not what you do to your children? Do you not demand unnecessary perfection that burdens them? Do you not require so much of them that it frustrates them? Do you see how you are hurting them? My ways are not these ways."
I was shocked, surprised and speechless. I was not expecting His firm reproof in the midst of my obeying in deed (while rebelling in thought).
I quickly became broken as His piercing, loving questions sunk in.
Broken. Horrified. Mortified. Embarassed. Remorseful, sad, grieved and finally, truly repentant. I broke down in tears and agony for the pain I had caused them. I was blind to what I was doing until that moment.
In great humility and tears, I went to them immediately and told them everything that had happened. (they are fascinated at how listening to my conscience is resulting in ME BEING PARENTED, they LOVE it and it is helping them trust the Lord!) I think they were concerned that I was crying and in emotional pain. But I could see on their faces, a wave of relief that the Lord Himself had protected them!!!!!!!! Forgiveness was immediate but the pain of hurting them still lingers as I write this.
And so many other things have been happening in the few weeks since we've met. I'm soaking up what you are teaching me. I am SO aware how my flesh produces DEATH. I'm motivated to continue in the Spirit, regardless of how difficult it can be. I am seriously eternally grateful for your teaching and time. Thank you!
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